Hobbits need not apply.

Type into google, ‘what women want’ and you will get, quite literally, millions of links to websites claiming to be jam-packed with the secrets to what women want (as well as a bit about that dodgy Mel Gibson film) and what they look for in their perfect man.

Trawling through these lists scares me and I am a woman – so I can’t even imagine what men think when they read this. The lists are all too…extensive.  According to the majority of articles on what women want from a man, four common themes run deep:

  1. men must be HILARIOUS
  2. they must bring home a lot of bacon (a six-figure wedge of bacon)
  3. they should have a rippling mass of abs concealed underneath their bacon-home-bringing suits
  4. they should be over 6ft

Completely achievable right?

Yes, of course it would be great if your man-date turned up and was a 6ft beef-cake with a fat wallet and enough comedy to go on tour, but let’s face it, that man will probably turn out to be gay. Well, for me, he was. Anyway, that is not the point, the point is this – dating should be simpler and success cannot be reserved only for the beef-cakes and the loaded.

I have been on some of the worst dates that you could imagine. My dating record reads like a ‘who’s who’ of horror. I listen to my friends moan about their apparent tales of awful dates and think ‘pah, get real!’ Their idea of what constitutes a date from hell is, is my idea of a pretty successful date. I truly believe that nowadays, with all the lists and Ryan Gosling romcoms,  men are set up to fail – if you aren’t tall enough or rich enough or funny enough or buff enough, well, better sign up to dinner for one because you have just boarded the single train – destination, celibacy.  I don’t believe this at all. There must be a simpler way.

Based on my experiences from my Dingbat Dating history, see below a few starting guidelines to maybe achieving romantic success – or at least a second date – be you hobbit or homeless.

  1. Don’t rip the head off a living animal during your date. A date I once went on culminated in my date ripping the head off a pigeon and using one of my tea-towels as a make shift body bag for its tiny little corpse. No amount of background detail to this story can ever justify his actions.
  2. Timing is everything. Don’t say you love her after date one – especially when she is wearing bowling shoes. He declared his love and I promptly dropped my bowling ball and ran, leaving him stranded in alley three. I was so hasty that I didn’t even swap my bowling shoes. When I went back to claim my shoes the next day, I was informed that my date had already taken them. Writing my shoes off as collateral damage, I never saw the date or my shoes again. I was made to purchase the bowling shoes, however.
  3. Don’t take a girl bowling. See above.
  4. Don’t get arrested on a date. During a cinema date, he got up to go the toilet during the movie and he never came back. I later heard that he had been arrested. To this day, I don’t know why and I am not sure that I want to. Without knowing the real reason, I can imagine he was arrested because he was some kind of Jason Bourne-type spy, but more than likely he was just a regular pervy, peeping Tom.
  5. Leave the rucksack at home. A date of mine showed up wearing a rucksack and didn’t remove the rucksack throughout our entire date. We were on a dinner date by the way, not mountaineering or picnicking – the only two situations in which a rucksack would have been appropriate on a date.

That’s a start.

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